Royal Rumble 2014: A Drinking Game and Preview

Joe Haines - January 26th, 2014

The road to Wrestlemania is finally upon us.  All the big named part-timers like Batista and Brock Lesnar are back in action and the faint sound of the Undertaker's bells toll in the night air.  It's a wonderful time to be a wrestling fan.  Tonight, for our first stop on the road to Wrestlemania, we will find out who is headlining the "Showcase of the Immortals" as we watch to see who outlasts 29 other superstars in the 27th annual Royal Rumble match.  Now, you can simply watch this incredible pay-per-view, or you can enjoy a few cocktails while doing so.  If you are like any of my college roommates, you are desperately looking to turn anything into a drinking game.  So, I have created a list of different rules to help you catch a buzz while giant men in spandex get hurled over nylon ropes.  Also, check out my preview and predictions below.  Thanks.  And as always, be sure to like, share, and comment on this if you want to join the discussion.

Rules:

-- Every time a person is eliminated – 1 drink

This is pretty self explanatory.

-- When the Great Khali gets eliminated (because we all know he will), your drink total should equal the amount of wrestlers that it took to eliminate The Punjabi Giant-Waste-of-Space.

God I hate The Great Khali.  The way he slides around the ring like a stroke victim made of wood makes me want to break 30 coffee cups over my head in rapid succession. So think of this drinking punishment as more of a celebration. 

-- If at any point during The Royal Rumble one of the commentators states the phrase “hanging on for dear life” – that will be 1 drink for you

Be ready to hear this at least five times. 

-- Whenever a Hall of Famer, or a legendary wrestler (one who is not on the current roster, or the WWE website) enters the rumble – 1 drink

The Royal Rumble is always filled with wrestlers from the past.  It always tickles that little nostalgia spot in all our hearts and it’s always welcomed.   I’m pulling extra hard for a Jake the Snake return tonight (all in thanks to DDP Yoga.  I cannot believe the overwhelming power that his program is having on ex-wrestlers.  This should be nationally funded).

Bonus multiplier:  If this legend or Hall of Famer eliminates any wrestlers, please take an additional drink for each eliminated wrestler.

-- If Chris Jericho makes a return during the rumble – take a god damn shot! 

I responded the same exact way from my lazy boy

There have been numerous rumors circulating that Jericho may be making his long awaited return to the WWE at the Rumble.  Just as he did last year when he reappeared, Y2J is making an appearance in the same city that is hosting the event, the night before the Royal Rumble.  Even more interesting is that his rock band, Fozzy, is currently off the road until May of this year.  This would be a window for him to come back and feud with the Authority using the whole “first ever Undisputed Champion’’ debacle that has been blowing up the internet since they reunited the titles. 

It makes sense, right?  To never mention Chris Jericho when they united the titles makes me wonder if this is all a giant work.  But WWE recently hasn’t been known to connect the dots in such a long and predetermined way.  One can only hope, right? And even if he doesn’t feud with the Authority, who cares?  Throw him in a feud with anyone and I’ll enjoy every single moon-sault of it.   This could not happen at all, as well.  He has been addressing the rumors via his twitter account for a month now, and it seems like he is dead set that he is not going to in attendance that evening.  But in a kayfabe filled world where you never know if anything is real or a work, I’m still hoping.

·        Bonus multiplier:  After you slam your shot, be the first to scream “RAW…IS…JERICHO!” and you can give out a drink to a person of your choosing.   

-- If (and when) Sheamus makes his WWE return in the Rumble – Two shots of Irish whisky.  One because I think he’s very boring and this will help you tolerate his paper white skin, and two because… well…the guy’s fucking Irish. 

Sheamus has been out since August ailing from a torn labrum, so it’s only fitting that he makes his return where he can get a better response than say a pre-announced episode of RAW.   Sheamus will be an interesting addition to the Rumble when he enters, but it’s nothing to get too excited about.  He isn’t going to win it.  If he does though:

·         Bonus multiplier: If Sheamus wins the Royal Rumble, throw your TV out of the window and break that whiskey bottle over your head.

It will be interesting to see who he starts to feud with.  There is a very ridiculous “Twitter Story Line” (which is a phrase that I totally made up, but it’s a storyline that is revolving around wrestlers actions on twitter) that involves Drew McIntyre hacking Sheamus’ twitter account.  McIntyre deleted Sheamus’s tweets.  McIntyre deleted his profile picture, and has replaced his name with “ing…….. Woad..”  I think this whole thing is ridiculous and just gives Sheamus a target for when he does come down to the ring for the Royal Rumble. Which brings me to my next rule

·         Bonus Multiplier 2:  If Sheamus does return to The Royal Rumble, take one drink if he eliminates Drew McIntyre. 

It isn’t that simple, is it? Probably….Yeah, most likely. 

--  If (and most likely, when) CM Punk gets eliminated -- take one drink for each of the remaining wrestlers in the Royal Rumble Match.

CM Punk is starting as the number one entrant in the Royal Rumble this year thanks to Kane and the Authority.  But being number one isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Two people have won the match from the number one spot, those being Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit.  Punk is deserving of a big push to the main event level eventually.  Thanks to it being Wrestlemania season, he will surely be one of the headliners at the Showcase of the Immortals…but it won’t be for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.   No, I’m sorry Punk fans, the chances of CM Punk winning the Rumble are about as great as Stone Cold not slamming two beers together after a match.  It’s just not going to happen.  With every story line that he’s been involved with escalating to an eventual clash with Triple H, Punk already has a program set in stone for Wrestlemania.  But, that doesn’t mean that he’ll kick a little ass while he’s in the Royal Rumble.

·         Bonus Multiplier:  If CM Punk is named the Royal Rumble “Iron Man” and ends with a longer time inside the ropes than any other wrestler – Drink three.

They are not going to let CM Punk flounder and lose at the 15^th spot.  They will make sure that he makes it towards the end and gets screwed over by the Authority before it is all said and done. 

-- If at any point in time during the match Kofi Kingston almost gets eliminated but does something crazy to get back in the ring in order to keep himself alive – 2 drinks.

He’s hopped on an office chair to get back into the ring.  He’s walked on his hands to get back into the ring.  He’s even used other wrestlers as launching pads to get himself back in.  Something will happen.  It will be cool.

-- If Daniel Bryan enters the Royal Rumble – Drink until the “YES!” chants stop (I understand that this could last forever, but it’s a drinking game.  Sack up, pussy!)

Right now, the only part of the Royal Rumble that Daniel Bryan will be involved in is his match with Bray Wyatt.  There is no word what so ever about the bearded one being involved in the thirty man battle royal.  But who says that it couldn’t happen?  My bold prediction of the night is for Daniel Bryan to enter the Royal Rumble at number 30 and win!  There is no way that the WWE could afford to not have Daniel Bryan in the Main Event at Wrestlemania.  He is just way too over right now to not have him be in a match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.  But there are also rumors of Daniel Bryan versus The Undertaker at Mania’ as well.  So who knows?  All I know is that Daniel Bryan has to be involved in some way or else it just wouldn’t feel right. 

·         Bonus Multiplier – If Daniel Bryan does enter in at number 30 – drink some more!  It’s Daniel Fucking Bryan!! YES! YES! YES!

RULES FOR THE SHIELD

The Shield is breaking up.  We know this to be true.  And if you don’t, shame on you and watch more wrestling.  Michael Cole has constantly been talking about “Cracks in the armor” and “not on the same page as of late”, CM Punk has done nothing but create a living hell for the trio ever since their match at TLC, and this such ruckus has caused them to try to prove to one another who can beat CM Punk and, ultimately, prove who is the better member of The Shield.  That’s great.  We all know that the WWE is pushing Roman Reigns through the roof at this point.  The crowd is behind him, and he’s spearing anyone that wears wrestling trunks/body suits/jean shorts/or face paint. Pretty much anyone that walks into the arena is getting speared.  That includes the janitors and the people running concessions.   Dean Ambrose is beginning to come off the rails more and more on a nightly basis, and Seth Rollins is beginning to prove that he’s a great in ring performer night in and night out.  But what happens to The Shield during the Rumble?

-- If at any point during the match the three members of The Shield begin attacking one another – take a drink

It’s bound to happen, right?  With everyone trying to win a shot at headlining Wrestlemania, and with the mentality of “It doesn’t matter during the Rumble. It’s every man for himself.  Brother vs Brother. Blood vs Blood”, there will definitely be an implosion inside the Hounds of Justice.

-- If Roman Reigns is the last remaining member of The Shield  – Take a drink

This is the most likely outcome seeing that he has proven to himself, his team, and the WWE Universe that he is the best member of the Shield. 

-- If Dean Ambrose is the last remaining member of The Shield – Take five drinks

This is also another very plausible outcome for this team.  Ambrose is known for being the sleaziest member of The Shield, so with that in mind, I can see him screwing over his partners during the match by throwing them over when they least expect it.   For example, Reigns could be looking over the ropes at someone he just eliminated and Ambrose comes over to throw him over, or he could be the final person in a group of three wrestlers to help push them out of the ring. 

-- If Seth Rollins is the last remaining member of The Shield – Take a shot

This is probably the least likely of outcomes for this faction.  Seth Rollins has been the person to take the pin-fall for the majority of The Shields losses.  He is also seen mostly getting tossed around in and out of the ring like a rag doll because of his great selling abilities.  But what really needs to eventually happen here is for WWE to book Rollins to look a little stronger than what he has portrayed.  Seth Rollins was the NXT Champion before he walked into the main roster of the WWE.  That has to stand for something.  He is one of the best in-ring workers on the roster right now and can hold his own on the microphone just fine.  There has to be some point in time where they decide to give Rollins a little push before they break this team up.  If they were to hypothetically end The Shield right now, Seth Rollins would have no momentum to build off of going forward.  So why not have him make an impact at the Rumble?  It makes some sense if they were to break The Shield up immediately after the Rumble.

-- If at any point Cody Rhodes and Goldust start fighting at the Rumble – Pour one out

Yes, pour one out for one of the greatest tag teams that we have seen in a very long time. Every match that these guys were involved in was tremendous.  Goldust looks like he turned the clock back about 20 years and Cody has never been better.  But all good things must come to an end, and so too will the Rhodes Brothers.  I do not believe that they will fully deflate at this PPV event, there will definitely be a seed planted for the future break up.  They face The New Age Outlaws in the pre-show, and I cannot see them losing the belts to those old bastards.  They will begin to not trust each other during the Rumble and lose the straps to another team down road a bit.  Maybe at Elimination Chamber?  Who knows?  But if they want a Cody vs Goldy at Wrestlemania like the rumors have been stating, this would be a perfect time to start showing some cracks in that foundation.  But I don’t want it to end…

-- If Batista wins the Royal Rumble – take a shot

Yes, Batista has returned and it’s great to have him back.  He adds some much needed star power to a WWE roster that so desperately needs it.  But when he came back on RAW this last week, he made it clear what his motivations are.  1.) To win the Rumble. 2.) To win the WWE Heavyweight Championship. 3.) To headline Wrestlemania.   You see, the WWE didn't bring Batista back to have him feud with Alberto Del Rio, or to work a secondary match at the Show of Shows. No, they brought him back to compete for a title.  If they keep him face, and have him square off against Randy Orton or Brock Lesnar, those will be incredible matches.  But if they eventually turn him heel, which he is better at in my opinion, he will face John Cena or maybe Daniel Bryan at Wrestlemania for the title.  Either scenario will be great but I don’t think Batista is going to lose the Rumble.  He is the odds on favorite and it makes the most sense to have him win.   

And there you have it.  Wrestlemania Season is in full swing and enjoy the next few months as the WWE will pour everything they have into building up some great Pay-Per-Views.

Joe Haines
The Common Man Wrestling Fan
@LJ_YOHAUNCE